Fact: Humans cannot become vampires

Before I begin this unique column, I would like to run an advisory for all readers.  If you are squeamish, disgusted by blood of any type, you should stop reading.  And, if you don't, you had your fair warning.

My good friend Kara recently informed me of a story that is floating around the Internet written by a woman who is obsessed with vampires.  I am not sure that the word "obsessed" is even adequate, but it will do for now.  She needed some answers on her vampire fixation and wrote in to an "answers" website seeking some advice, advice that no one in their right mind would ever give.

So, this woman was so mesmerized by vampires that she decided she wanted to become one. Don't get me wrong; I watch the Twilight Saga and True Blood and I do quite enjoy them with all of their adventure and excitement, but it has never occurred to me that I should try to become one of the characters.  I am completely aware of the fact that I will never be a vampire, no matter what I do, and that is OK.  Well, it wasn't OK for this girl.

In an effort to become a vampire, this woman began to collect and drink her menstrual blood.  Gross, isn't it? As if it wouldn't be bad enough – if maybe she cut her arm and ingested that – she instead decided to put something back into her body that was pushed out for a reason.  It isn't supposed to be there anymore. 

Then, to get creative, since it probably gets old drinking the same old thing every day (gag), she keeps her used tampons in the freezer and "sucks on them or eats them later."  Everyone loves popsicles! 

As my friend read on, I realized I hadn't even heard the worst of it, yet.  It is one thing for this deranged woman to decide she wanted to become a vampire – by the way, she is completely convinced she is – but that wasn't enough.  No, she needed someone to share it with, someone to run around with her in the night and do vampire things. And what better person than her new boyfriend who has only been around for a month?

She tells whoever she thinks is going to answer this that for the past three to four weeks, she has been cooking her blood that she keeps – the blood that came from her uterus – into her boyfriends meals…and he has no idea.  For weeks, he has been eating dinners that he thinks his sweet girlfriend has been cooking for him just to be kind when, really, she is just cooking to get her blood in him so he can be a vampire, too. 

To end her segment, she then asks, "Do you think he would be a vampire by now?  FYI I am a vampire so naturally if he eats my blood, then he should turn into one as well."  WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION? 

Engaging in this activity didn't make you OR your boyfriend a vampire; it made the world see how nuts you are.  But, don't worry; I am sure there are plenty of other people just as confused as you are hiding out somewhere.

It amazes me that people see something in movies, video games and books and sincerely buy into it.  I have no sympathy for the person who goes out and steals a car because he/she saw it on Grand Theft Auto and thought it would be OK to do it since it was on the video game.  You have got to be kidding me.  Who would buy that in a court of law? 

Whether you are breaking the law or breaking the regulations of common sense, it doesn't matter.  It is the simple idea of thinking for yourself that people need to understand.  Edward Cullen and Eric Northman might make you drool, but that should be saliva coming out of your mouth, not blood.

Control yourself and your desire to live in a world that does not exist.  Vampires are not real, therefore nothing you do will turn you into one, no matter how repulsive it is.  Oh, and you should probably plan on looking for a new boyfriend.